Phillies Fan

Legend has it that the Liberty Bell cracked from the smell....

Ode to the Biggest Losers…

The game of life yields both the defeater and the defeated,
while some sip Dom P., most drink Beefeater.

Woe to the Pirates, the Clippers and Andy Roddick (hey, he’s a handsome guy!)
to the Royals, the Grizzlies, the Bengals and the Lions (oh my!)

Woe to the fans, the young and the old,
those who standby these professionals of fold,

These Washington Generals of professional sport,
manage to sink their ships before ever leaving the port,

Errors and faults, yellow flags and fouls,
little ones’ heads hung low, parents with scowls,

With mouths full of chips, dips and miller lite,
we perform our superstitions of manic delight,

So why do we torture ourselves in support,
for the sake of these millionaire bums of the field and court?

Could it be the players or the City they curse?
or perhaps its inherited from the moment of birth?

Does the absence of winning make the fan grow fonder?
Woe to us who the band wagon left behind, with just our hopes to ponder.

To reach the top may be long and lonely, but to stay at bottom takes an artisan of blunder!

O Rubio, Rubio, Wherefore art thou Rubio?

Growing up outside of Pittsburgh I've never had an allegiance to an NBA team. The logical choice would be to follow the Cavaliers, but ever since MJ pissed all over Craig Ehlo all I wanted to be like was Mike rather than, let's say, "Hot Rod" Williams. The only viable option was to follow the players; Bird, MJ, Kobe etc...

It's a very disparaging existence for a sports fan not to have a team. I have never felt established or legit in my NBA fandom. A few months back when the Minnesota Timberwolves drafted the 19 year old Spanish version of Pistol Pete, I started chanting his name, "RUBIO, RUBIO...RU-BI-OOOOO". I was pumped! This was my guy. Good enough to be a star, young enough to begin a long career of AND1 moves and Geico commercials.

Minnesota, a young team on the rise, had drafted Johnny Flynn and Ricky Rubio and dumped the moronic Kevin McHale wihin a couple weeks. This was it, this was my new team. Day after day I waited for Minnesota to finalize the deal. Ready to be the first in line to order his T'Wolves jersey and "Ricky Rubes" shoes from Nike. I waited...but that day never came.

Last week it was announced that due to NBA buyout clause restrictions and a little case of cold feet by the whirling Spaniard, Rubio was staying abroad. Never the matter that GM David Kahn traveled to Spain 3 times to plead his case, even convincing Rubio at one point to commit to Minnesota and the NBA now...Ricky baby dropped his rattle and clung to his mother country of Barcelona, Spain.

His new 6 year deal with Barcelona allows a similar buyout during the next 2 summers with a zero buyout over the summer of 2011. It is expected, or better yet hoped by the T'Wolves front office that they will own the rights to Ricky and in turn receive a more polished and mature player in 2 years time. The most important storyline from this whole charade is the fallout for fans like myself. Yet again the sour taste of rejection is gargled while the dreams of becoming a steady fan of an NBA team slip away. Now I must wait 2 more years to know for sure. I will keep my loyalty to the the baller I am calling the "salty dog" with the hope that he will one day lead my T'Wolves to the Finals.

Years from now my unborn son will put down his foam finger, mute Charles Barkley during the halftime show and ask me, "Dad, how did we become T'Wolves fans?". I will confidently and quietly point to the picture over our fireplace of the boy wonder, Ricky "Rubes" Rubio.

Blog Wars

Those of us that follow Pitt football with any verve this time of year regularly check in on Paul Zeise’s Redshirt Diaries blog for the Post-Gazette, as well as Kevin Gorman’s Sitting Ringside blog for the Tribune-Review. Through these blogs, the authors offer loads of observations and insights on the team in these preseason camps and continue, though somewhat abated, into the regular season practices, and much of what they write about in the blogs doesn’t make it into features or other stories for the paper. Each is an essential stop off for the Pitt fan looking for football info, and we should count ourselves lucky to have both to follow.

Slap Fight!

That being said, their current spat (whether it’s real or not) is laughable and arguably unprofessional (says the part time sports blog that once devoted 3000 words to a fake date with Rihanna). It all started when Gorman posted a slightly enigmatic entry about Monday morning’s practice:

“The Panthers conducted perhaps their most entertaining and exciting offensive practice of training camp this afternoon.

Sorry I can’t tell you about it.

There are certain things we are privy to watching in practice but are not permitted to report, and offensive formations and gimmick plays are primary among them. So, I can’t share what I saw. Please forgive the tease.”

“Well I never”, said Paul Zeise to himself and then proceeded to write this scathing attack:

“The practice yesterday, for instance, was in shorts and shoulder pads, meaning there was no hitting and not much activity for the defense.

And because of that, one could say the practice was designed to make the offensive players smile, the defensive players scowl and the heat was enough to make tears well up in the eyes of one player who got sick. I suppose I could say something clever like "I know something you don't know, nah, nah, nah" but that would be silly and immature and I for one cannot imagine an adult taking that kind of approach with other adults......”

Zeise going low with the ‘act your age’ reprimand. I, for one, would like to know which player was crying because of the heat and would request he not be allowed to play the physically painful sport of football for my favorite team. Maybe he should take hints from Wanny on how to stay cool…the man has the mustache of a walrus, but doesn’t seem to complain about the heat. So because Zeise apparently felt that the practice was useless, he decided to list a bunch of asinine lists instead (10 MVPs for Pitt this year, 10 best players, 10 best athletes, etc…).

Anyway, today’s Sitting Ringside was Goreman’s Revenge!!!!!!

“If I was writing in my diary while wearing a red shirt (I prefer blue) [because I need to inject a reference to the fact that I graduated from Penn State into my Pitt Football blog…I’m an asshole], I could fill this space by giving you countless top-10 lists involving the same 10 players, just in a different order under different categories.

Instead, you’ll get another practice report.”

[brackets added by BOTF, obviously]

Oh snap!!!

Tecmo Bowl

Darrius Heyward-Bey

Nice hands, Feet!



"...hasn't helped that first round choice Darrius Heyward-Bey continues to struggle catching the ball. The seventh pick in the draft drops a pass or two or three at each practice. Part of it might be that he is pressing. Part of it might be his style of catching. He's more of a body catcher than a hands catcher, a technique he must fix."

~ESPN's John Clayton, Aug 23rd

Oakland signed this joke to a 5-year contract with a base salary of $38.25 million along with $23.5 million in guaranteed money. I have been watching football closely for nearly 20 years now and I have never heard of a WR that "isn't a hands catcher"...what in the hell does that mean? If the bar is so low, then make Sebastian Janikowski a friggin' WR.

Usain Bolt is so fast....(a la "your momma" jokes)

a picture I took of Bolt during the 100m relay at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.

• it takes him 45.3 seconds to watch 60 Minutes.
• his feet are eligible for the Cash for Clunkers rebate.
• the Flash had to change his name to The Flllaaaasssshh.
• he actually struck lightening...twice.
• he beat Wilt Chamberlain's record in 2 days...yes, that record.
• his running shoes have restrictor plates.
• he is the leading cause of vertigo.
• he has his own wi-fi.
• scientists have replaced "nano-seconds" with "bolts-secs".
• he beat Dale Jr in a race while pulling John Daly in a rickshaw.

Pitt Football

Just when you thought I’d retired from the blogosphere, never to write again for the Fifth…I’m back baby. You know, I just couldn't stay away from the game I love so much *tear*. I spent many long nights just talking it over for my family and decided that I still have something left in the tank. I just can't leave the game thinking I have anything left to give, thinking I have any fight in me. I just want to go out and compete...I mean blog.

My hero and role model as a blogger.

Anyway, we’re about a week and a half into preseason practices, so let’s talk some Pitt football. Going down the list position by position, it’s clear that this team is not shy on storylines this year, so let’s get to it.

Defense

The boys on this side of the ball are primed to have a big year. Returning most of the starters (ignoring one glaring exception) from a unit that was very good last year is always a good thing. Lots of ‘Top 10 in the nation’ and ‘dominant’ and ‘scary’ being tossed around to describe it. I obviously hope so, but let’s just see how it all shakes out this season before we make such proclamations.

DE: The position that I (and every other Panther fan out there) am least worried about. Greg Romeus is on the Bednarik watch list, and by many accounts, he isn’t even as good as his counterpart, Jabaal Sheard. Throwing standout reserves Tony Tucker, Brandon Lindsay and Shayne Hale into the mix, this group of DEs is certainly the deepest in the Big East and even stacks up nicely against the best in the nation.

Bad mofos

DT: Let’s begin with the best. For the second straight year, the beat writers have singled out Mick Williams as ‘unstoppable’ and a ‘wrecking ball’ in preseason camp. He no longer has the benefit of playing next to Rashaad Duncan, so he’s going to have to step it up as the man in the middle this year. It appears that Duncan’s role will be filled primarily by Gus Mustakus, a favorite of this particular Fifth writer ever since his pick 6 during his sophomore year. You gotta love a defensive tackle capable of that. Again, the backup situation looks good, with both Goreman and Zeise praising the likes of Caragein, Hargrove, and the easily pronounced Tkach.

OLB: It seems that linebacker depth has been a fairly constant concern these last few years, and it’s really no different this year. Greg Williams, an athletically gifted if inexperienced player, returns to strong side linebacker this year. He should be a year older and wiser, which is a good thing because he made some ridiculous plays last year, but also made some boneheaded mistakes. Max Gruder seems to be tabbed by those in the know as the favorite to start on the weak side. I haven’t ever seen him play, so all I can go by is others’ observations that he’s a disciplined, hard working player, which is fine by me. Manny Williams and Shane Murray (a former starter, plagued by a knee injury) seem to be the only names that are popping up as far as the backups go.

MLB: Here’s the big if, and it’s arguably the worst defensive position you can possibly have an if. We all know what we lost in Scott McKillop, who’s probably going to find a place with the Niners. It now falls on his best friend Adam Gunn, who broke his neck after a collision with McKillop last year, to take the reigns on a position with strong recent heritage (Hayes, Blades, McKillop, all in the NFL). Actually before you ponder that leap of faith we're making as Pitt fans, ponder the fact that Gunn BROKE HIS F'ING NECK last year and is returning to the field to play one of the hardest hitting positions this year. That’s a man. At least we know the position won’t be lacking toughness. Dan Mason is making a lot of noise, but knowing Wanny’s propensity to stick with experienced seniors, I doubt he’ll be supplanting Gunn.

CB: Aaron Berry was one of last year’s punching bags following the Rutgers debacle (speaking of which, I’m headed to the Seahawks preseason game this weekend and get to see Mike Teel, whom the Seattle fans have to be excited about…wait, he didn’t throw for 400 yards and 5 touchdowns against every team he played last year? Really? Because he looked great against us). I keep reading about his renewed focus and his willingness to accept his role as a leader this year. Maybe. All I’m going to say is that, in my experience, leadership, as a quality in an individual, reveals itself early on and doesn’t need to be coaxed out by a coach. As long as he plays well, I’ll gladly eat my words, but let’s just say I’m a doubter on this one, and I don’t think we’ve heard the last of Berry’s immaturity. The rest of the CB field will be filled out by undersized but uber-athletic options (Ricky Gary, Jovani Chappel), with a strong push for PT being made by Jared Holly.

S: Dom DeCicco has a strangle hold on free safety, as well as the coolest name on the field by far. Elijah Fields is another of the disappointing, but extremely gifted, players on this team. Unfortunately for Fields, he’s competing against a young man who not only seems to want it more, but has his poop together. Andrew “Tags” Taglianetti plays like he’s the son of a former hockey player, and like he has a serious chip on his shoulder after not being recruited by anyone but Pitt. His effort on special teams (475 blocked kicks last year, seriously) made him impossible to sit, and it’s really paying off for him this year. Plus playing Taglianetti and DeCicco together gives us the most Italian sounding defensive backfield in D1, which I'm all for. Fields remains a capable (and potentially outstanding) backup at both positions, but I doubt that the coaches are going to trust him as a starter.

Offense

The adage that defense wins championships seems to have gone by the wayside in college football the last few years. Oh, would that it were the olden days, Wannstedt would be considered a genius. New offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach Frank Cignetti doesn’t promise to install a new system as he’s another pro-style guy, but does bring in an apparently new philosophy that it’s important to put the ball in the hands of your best players. Why this is new or worth commenting on is another in a long line of baffling things about previous OC Matt Cavanaugh (now QB coach for the Jets, look out Mark Sanchez). Does that mean Cavanaugh didn't believe in that it was important to get the ball to your best players? Did Wannstedt know that? I don't even want to think about this anymore.

Let’s hope the O isn’t as stagnant as last year, because they certainly have a lot of weapons. Let's take a look.

OL: Another of the perpetual question marks for this team. Wanny’s been recruiting this area pretty hard the last few years, but it just hasn’t shown yet on the field. There have certainly been good players here and there (for example Jeff Otah was first rounder and steady contributor to the NFL Panthers last year), but as a unit they have largely been a disappointment. OL depth is another area where this team is concerned, as "plagued by injuries" doesn't really begin to describe the chaos that ensues when a starter goes down. Pinkston will start at LT and by all accounts is poised to do very well, as he’s been battling with, and occasionally coming out on top of, the aforementioned Bednarik finalist, Romeus. Lucas Nix will apparently take over at RT, he’s young, but was highly regarded coming out of school and will likely grow into an excellent lineman. Joe Thomas and another highly regarded recruit, Chris Jacobsen, are fighting for LG, and either are capable, which means we’ll have decent depth at guard. John Malecki, a former DL recruit is highly praised at RG. Center seems to be going to Houser, but if he gets hurt again, who steps in? CJ Davis did well last year, but there isn’t a player with his flexibility on this year’s squad. Again, it all comes down to how well they perform as a unit.

TE: Another position with little concern. Nate Byham is widely considered the among the class of the Big East in terms of both blocking and pass catching. Dorin Dickerson can and will create loads of matchup problems for opposing linebackers and safeties all year long. This is another deep position (current minor injuries notwithstanding) with Devlin, Cruz, and Brock DeCicco ready to take up the reigns when the starters graduate.

WR: Jonathan Baldwin! This is the reason to get excited this year (well offensively anyway). He exploded onto the scene in last years USF game with a long TD, but was quickly exposed as a one trick pony as he was apparently unable to run routes that couldn’t be described as “run as fast as you can straight up the field”. Now, reports out of camp are of long nights studying film, extra work running routes and catching passes from Stull and groping girls on the late night upper campus shuttle. I, for one, couldn’t be more excited. The group rounds out with some combination of the physical McGee, the speedy Aundre Wright, and the newcomer Mike Shannahan. Look for Cam Saddler returning kicks as well.

One touchdown, two drawn interference calls, all kinds of unstoppable. Not a bad freshman debut.

RB: The second of the two huge voids left behind from last year’s squad. First and foremost, none of us should expect the team to be able to replace McCoy’s production, it’s just not going to happen. That being said, there’s a lot of positive energy around the new group. Back in the spring, there just weren’t enough positive words in the English lexicon for writers to describe how exciting Dion Lewis was. Now, though Lewis seems to have the job pretty well in hand, it appears he isn’t even as good as fellow Jersey native Ray Graham, who unfortunately seems to be having some trouble holding onto the football lately. These two true freshman seem to put the team’s rushing in good hands for years to come. Oh yeah, don’t forget about the bruising Shariff Harris or last year’s training camp hero, Chris Burns.

QB: Now we come to the big kahuna. The most important player on any given football team. A position that has not been filled admirably since a certain loose lipped southpaw from Western PA was slinging touchdowns and hurdling future felons. Let’s leave this to John (the Fifth’s better half) to comment on:

"...considering that Stull has struggled during camp and appeared to be losing ground in recent days to Sunseri, who has begun to get first-team reps in every practice. Bostick, however, again worked only with the second team, which seems to indicate that he is headed for a role as backup or, perhaps, even a redshirt."
~Post Gazette, Pittsburgh Pa

Perhaps it is premature then that Bill Stull was named by Dave Wann-stache as the starting QB for Pitt. Some may speculate that this move is to avoid any controversy or mixed messages sent to the rest of the team. I say that's crap. Pitt went 9-4 last season despite Stull's horrible play. The fifth-year senior is incapable of reading defenses, making quick decisions or making all the necessary throws.

I'm not saying that the other two guys would be better than Stull...because the thought of Pat Bostick starting makes me wish Jason Voorhees was my next door neighbor. However, there should not be a clear declaration that Bill is the starter. Let's review the options...

Pitt's poor excuse for a QB depth chart (w/'08 stats) reads:

1. Bill Stull - 12 games played, 188-330 for 2,356 yds with 9 TDs and 10 Ints.
2. Pat Bostik - 6 games played, 22-41 for 270 yds with 1 TD and 4 Ints.
3. Tino Sunseri - (Redshirt Freshman) Lead Central Catholic to 16-0 record and a Class AAAA Championship. 110-200 for 1,960 yds with 23 TDs and 4 Ints.

• Additional info: Santino Sunseri's parents, Sal and Roxann Sunseri are Pitt products and former standout athletes for the Panthers. Sal was an All-America linebacker at Pitt, lettering from 1979-81. Roxann was an All-East gymnast at Pitt and a high school state champion.

"Stull was 9-14 for 57 yards and no touchdowns, but 1 interception by red-shirt freshman cornerback, Jarred Holley that he returned for a touchdown on the second play from scrimmage. Stull said that the defense put in a new scheme that he had not seen, and that led to the pick."
~ Patriot News, Harrisburg Pa

Are we to assume that Bill Stull can only read defenses that he has seen before? Even the 64% completion stat is skewed considering that all of them were short, safe passes. Does this sound like a QB of a team trying to compete for a Big East Championship? Even more, if the quarterback position continues to suffer, how can Pitt's offense improve from last year without LeSean McCoy??

Needless to say, questions abound in John's, my own, and many a Panther fan’s mind about the quarterback position. By nearly every account, Sunseri has been the better QB throughout practice and in the scrimmage (Ron Cook even wrote that 'the best balls were coming out his right hand'...come on, I couldn't resist that quote), but again, Wanny is nothing if not loyal to his seniors. All I can say is, if Stull remains the starter throughout the year look for "Stull said that the defense put in a new scheme that he had not seen" in the write up after every game and look for new OC Cignetti in a hospital for the criminally insane.

Jimmy V's ESPY Speech

Thank you, Thank you very much. Thank you. That's the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vitale since the owner of the Detroit Pistons called him in and told him he should go into broadcasting.

The I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever. But, as it was said on the tape, and I also don't have one of those things going with the cue cards, so I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes. Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully, at the end, I will have said something that will be important to other people too.

But, I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for me. As Dick said, I'm a very emotional and passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. It comes with the territory. We hug, we kiss, we love. When people say to me howdo you get through life or each day, it's the same thing. To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.

I rode on the plane up today with Mike Krzyzewski, my good friend and wonderful coach. People don't realize he's ten times a better person than he is a coach, and we know he's a great coach. He's meant a lot to me in these last five or six months with my battle. But when I look at Mike, I think, we competed against each other as players. I coached against him for fifteen years, and I always have to think about what's important in life to me are these three things. Where you started, where you are and where you're going to be. Those are the three things that I try to do every day. When I think about getting up and giving a speech, I can't help it. I have to remember the first speech I ever gave.

I was coaching at Rutgers University, that was my first job, oh that's wonderful (reaction to applause), and I was the freshman coach. That's when freshmen played on freshman teams, and I was so fired up about my first job. I see Lou Holtz here. Coach Holtz, who doesn't like the very first job you had? The very first time you stood in the locker room to give a pep talk. That's a special place, the locker room, for a coach to give a talk. So my idol as a coach was Vince Lombardi, and I read this book called "Commitment To Excellence" by Vince Lombardi. And in the book, Lombardi talked about the fist time he spoke before his Green Bay Packers team in the locker room, and they were perennial losers. I'm reading this and Lombardi said he was thinking should it be a long talk, or a short talk? But he wanted it to be emotional, so it would be brief. So here's what I did. Normally you get in the locker room, I don't know, twenty-five minutes, a half hour before the team takes the field, you do your little x and o's, and then you give the great Knute Rockne talk. We all do. Speech number eight-four. You pull them right out, you get ready. You get your squad ready. Well, this is the first one I ever gave and I read this thing. Lombardi, what he said was he didn't go in, he waited. His team wondering, where is he? Where is this great coach? He's not there. Ten minutes he's still not there. Three minutes before they could take the field Lombardi comes in, bangs the door open, and I think you all remember what great presence he had, great presence. He walked in and he walked back and forth, like this, just walked, staring at the players. He said, "All eyes on me." I'm reading this in this book. I'm getting this picture of Lombardi before his first game and he said "Gentlemen, we will be successful this year, if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers." They knocked the walls down and the rest was history. I said, that's beautiful. I'm going to do that. Your family, your religion and Rutgers basketball. That's it. I had it. Listen, I'm twenty-one years old. The kids I'm coaching are nineteen, and I'm going to be the greatest coach in the world, the next Lombardi. I'm practicing outside of the locker room and the managers tell me you got to go in. Not yet, not yet, family, religion, Rutgers Basketball. All eyes on me. I got it, I got it. Then finally he said, three minutes, I said fine. True story. I go to knock the doors open just like Lombardi. Boom! They don't open. I almost broke my arm. Now I was down, the players were looking. Help the coach out, help him out. Now I did like Lombardi, I walked back and forth, and I was going like that with my arm getting the feeling back in it. Finally I said, "Gentlemen, all eyes on me." These kids wanted to play, they're nineteen. "Let's go," I said. "Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers," I told them. I did that. I remember that. I remember where I came from.

It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it.

I talked about my family, my family's so important. People think I have courage. The courage in my family are my wife Pam, my three daughters, here, Nicole, Jamie, LeeAnn, my mom, who's right here too..... That screen is flashing up there "thirty seconds" like I care about that screen right now, huh? I got tumors all over my body. I'm worried about some guy in the back going thirty seconds? You got a lot, hey va fa napoli, buddy. You got a lot.

I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality.

Now I look at where I am now and I know what I want to do. What I would like to be able to do is spend whatever time I have left and to give, and maybe, some hope to others. Arthur Ashe Foundation is a wonderful thing, and AIDS, the amount of money pouring in for AIDS is not enough, but is significant. But if I told you it's ten times the amount that goes in for cancer research. I also told you that five hundred thousand people will die this year of cancer. I also tell you that one in every four will be afflicted with this disease, and yet somehow, we seem to have put it in a little bit of the background. I want to bring it back on the front table. We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may not save my life. It may save my children's lives. It may save someone you love. And ESPN has been so kind to support me in this endeavor and allow me to announce tonight, that with ESPN's support, which means what? Their money and their dollars and they're helping me-we are starting the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. And it's motto is "Don't give up, don't ever give up." That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left. I will thank God for the day and the moment I have. If you see me, smile and give me a hug. That's important to me too. But try if you can to support, whether it's AIDS or the cancer foundation, so that someone else might survive, might prosper and might actually be cured of this dreaded disease. I can't thank ESPN enough for allowing this to happen. I'm going to work as hard as I can for cancer research and hopefully, maybe, we'll have some cures and some breakthroughs. I'd like to think, I'm going to fight my brains out to be back here again next year for the Arthur Ashe recipient. I want to give it next year!

I know, I gotta go, I gotta go, and I got one last thing and I said it before, and I want to say it again. Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.

I thank you and God bless you all.


~Jim Valvano died 2 months later.

NFL Predictions

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots - an 11-5 record without Tom Brady. 1 year of resting and impregnating super models proves to be the "Juvie Juice" needed to make a SuperBowl run.
2. New York Jets - Look for Mark "Dirty" Sanchez to wipe his...um..."talent" all over the division. The players relate to Rex Ryan and reward him with a playoff berth.
3. Miami Dolphins - Sorry Tuna, the wildcat offense has a sophmore slump.
4. Buffalo Bills - T.O. is a joke and so is the offense in Buffalo.

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers - L.T.'s wheels fell off last year, but with a strong D & help from Sproles, the bolts win a completely anemic AFC West.
2. Oakland Raiders - better doesn't mean good.
3. Kansas City Chiefs - a little better doesnt mean they still won't suck. Let's see Cassell throw to someone not named Welker or Moss.
4. Denver Broncos - wow, what a shitty mess. watching Kyle Orton play QB is as comfortable as watching Michael Richards' standup act.

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh Steelers - The team to beat....if they stay healthy and Hines Ward remains serviceable. If not... watch out for the Ravens.
2. Baltimore Ravens - Flacco is impressive but his uni-brow annoys me, so they get 2nd place.
3. Cleveland Browns - The Dog Pound has bark but no bite. Hey it could be worse, you could be playing in Detroit.
4. Cincinnati Bengals - OchoStinko has a meltdown by week 4. The team ends up with a 3-13 record.

AFC SOUTH

1. Houston Texans - The young talent finally breaks through. Slaton has a pro-bowl year.
2. Tennessee Titans - Too much drama hovers after McNair dies & Vince Young wishing he was dead.
3. Indianapolis Colts - Colts stumble and miss the playoffs. Peyton trade rumors circulate after he voices his displeasure with the new coaching staff.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars - Del Rio is fired halfway through the season for not being able to win with a team that is without a QB, WR or both offensive or defensive lines.

NFC EAST

1. Philadelphia Eagles - Hide your Beagle, Vick's an Eagle. Much to the chagrin of PETA, they go 13-3 and are poised for a SuperBowl run.
2. Dallas Cowboys - Cowboys excel behind a great roster and new stadium, but in the end Romo holds them back yet again. Mark my words, he will be on Dancing with the Stars in the next 2 years.
3. Washington Redskins - Don't expect much from Daniel Snyder's overpriced-underachievers.
4. New York Giants - Eli is going to wish it was McNabb who shot himself in the leg in a nightclub in a city that has a zero tolerance law on carrying firearms. His new $97 mil contract proves to be a bad omen after having a sub-par year without Plaxico & Derrick Ward.

NFC WEST

1. Arizona Cardinals - If Leinhert plays, they lose. If Warner plays, they win. It's that simple. Hightower is a beast and they have the best receiving core in the league.
2. St. Louis Rams - Assuming Bulger's pinkey is ok, the Most Improved Team award goes to the Rams. They have a solid year and barely miss the playoffs.
3. San Francisco 49ners - I want Singletary to succeed so much it hurts but i dont think he has the talent, even in a weak division. Consolation? hopefully another post-game speech that makes me want to run through a wall. (fingers crossed)
4. Seattle Seahawks - Everytime I think of Hasselbeck, bright green gloves and rain...I want to kick myself in the groin. 4-12 sounds about right.

NFC NORTH

1. Minnesota Vikings - Although I can't stand Favre, he is the missing piece on a very good team.
2. Green Bay Packers - mmm...cheesy, but not good.
3. Chicago Bears - Da Bears will be about as consistent as Cutler's blood sugar count.
4. Detroit Lions - 0-16? not quite, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Even with significant improvement they can only be as good as the Rams and Bengals were last year.

NFC SOUTH

1. New Orleans Saints - For the first year since Katrina, these guys will fly under the radar, plus no more Kim Kardashian to hold down Reggie. If their defense can play well enough, their offense can beat anyone.
2. Atlanta Falcons - Should challenge New Orleans. The offense should open up and Matt Ryan's game should flourish with Tony Gonzalez, but last time i checked having Tony on your roster didn't necessarily make your team good.
3. Carolina Panthers - Delhomme is finished, Peppers doesn't want to be there, John Fox just laughed after that ridiculous pre-season loss to NYG. Not a good start.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Chucky trades a headset on the sidelines for a headset in the booth. Buccaneers play will look a lot like the guys up north in Jacksonville, so don't expect to hear too many cannon balls being fired during their home games.

AFC Championship: Steelers vs Patriots

NFC Championship: Eagles vs Cardinals

Superbowl: Eagles vs Steelers

Superbowl XLIV Champion: Pittsburgh Steelers

What it takes to be #1

Winning is not a sometimes thing; it's an all the time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

There is no room for second place. There is only one place in my game, and that's first place. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay, and I don't ever want to finish second again. There is a second place bowl game, but it is a game for losers played by losers. It is and always has been an American zeal to be first in anything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win.

Every time a football player goes to ply his trade he's got to play from the ground up - from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's O.K. you've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second.

Running a football team is no different than running any other kind of organization - an army, a political party or a business. The principles are the same. The object is to win - to beat the other guy. Maybe that sounds hard or cruel. I don't think it is.

It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That's why they are there - to compete. To know the rules and objectives when they get in the game. The object is to win fairly, squarely, by the rules - but to win.

And in truth, I've never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart didn't appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.

I don't say these things because I believe in the "brute" nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in God, and I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour - his greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear - is that moment when he has to work his heart out in a good cause and he's exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.

~Vince Lombardi

Headlines

This week I am ashamed of being a sports fan. This week was supposed to be THE week. The week I study for my live NFL Fantasy Draft. The week I watch Tiger and Padraig again battling on the links, this time for the PGA Championship. The week I get my Pitt Football season tickets.

Meanwhile the NFL season is upon us. The MLB playoff picture is forming as teams are separating themselves in the Pennant races and the NBA & NHL seasons are chomping at the bit to start in only a couple months. Come to think of it, there are 2 great months in sports; October and May. The 5-10 weeks leading up to those months are so great, they make me want to scream, “BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!”
(www.youtube.com/watch?v=W45DRy7M1no)


Alas, instead of this being THE week, I was forced to live through with the joke that is the current state of sports. Allow me to recreate the headlines.



Bottom of the Fifth – Headline News:

• Michael Vick signs with the Eagles.
  > Well ain’t this just the garbage man drowning in his own refuse. This acquisition stinks worse than the hobos on Broad St. You know, they say that animal abusers and child molesters are 2 criminals incapable of rehabilitation. Oops! I think William Penn just jumped off City Hall’s roof.

• Rick Pitino tells police he did not rape the whore, but gave her $3,000 for abortion.
  >What the hell would possess a man who should be on college basketball’s “Mount Rushmore” of coaches, a millionaire with a family and a successful Louisville program, to bang the team’s equipment manager’s wife on the floor of a restaurant? Then after claiming she was with child, but without health insurance, Pitino handed her money to terminate the pregnancy. So am I to assume that the position of Equipment Manager for the University of Louisville Men’s Basketball Team does not come with the benefit of health insurance for you and your wife?
  

• A-Rod and Kate Hudson’s relationship is steaming, but did she get a cold shoulder? PLUS: A-Rod & Jeter girlfriends in the middle of a catfight.
  >Jesus H. Christ I am sick of baseball. Can't we clone Albert Pujols 288 times and give him his own league?
  

• Donte Stallworth gets 1-year suspension without pay.
  >1 year without pay? Aww…That means he won’t have any money to pay off the families of people he kills with his car.
  

• Michael Phelps gets in car wreck.
  >(speaking through a mega-phone) Attention Mr. Phelps, you need to start ‘gellin. You are one gun-toting entourage and one strip club incident away from being the white version of Pac-Man Jones. Get your ass a Prius and change the prescription on your goggles.
  

PS: just checked the mail....no Pitt Football season tickets.

Almost Famous

Continuing Bill Simmon’s brilliantly constructed column relating “Almost Famous” quotes to current NBA situations. I will continue with a list of my own, tackling the entire sports world.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090727


http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090728


51.
Let's deflower the kid

One would think this would refer to Big Ben’s alleged rape of a Las Vegas hotel employee. Actually I will go a bit deeper. Big Ben is the kid. The ever trusting, well adjusted, considerate fan favorite. This first “blemish” on his professional athletic career has deflowered him, bringing him down to reality. He will forever look over shoulder and watch both sides of the road before ever crossing. Life off the field will never be the same for Mr. Roethlisberger.

52.
It's unfair that we can't listen to our music!
That's because it's music about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Simon and Garfunkel is poetry!
Yes its poetry. It's poetry of drugs and promiscuous sex. Honey, they're on pot.

It’s unfair that we can’t enjoy Baseball anymore. Anytime a feat is accomplished or a record is broken, the question of performance enhancing drugs has to be brought up. There are no more heroes in baseball…no more myths. Who ever thought the game would be so corrupt, that it actually makes Pete Rose look like Pope Benedict?


53.
I'm never as good as when you're there.

Another reversal. Some would say this is the NFL talking to Brett Favre….try again. I read this quote and think about Brett Favre sitting in the dark in his guest bedroom, while his wife is sleeping, on the phone talking to the NFL. What else does the man want? He is the most hallowed and respected competitor the NFL has ever seen. He is beloved by every coach, agent and player in the league. He has made a fortune; he has seen the top of the mountain. He has endured an uncannily successful, grueling NFL career playing QB in one of its coldest, most smash mouth climates ~ the NFC North ~ and lived to talk about it. He should have been to the NFL what Yogi Berra is to MLB. I feel bad for his family and especially his wife. Perhaps his flip flopping with retirement is more about his distaste for them rather than his love for the game?

54.
Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak!

Can you believe the recent shitpot that has become the NBA draft in the past 10 years? Everytime I see a draft player’s name & country of origin (both of which I can’t pronounce) I want to choke myself until my ears bleed. That’s really all I have to say.

55.
Listen to Tommy with a candle burning, and you'll see your entire future.

I had this vision when I was about 14 years old. I listened to probably the most famous Tommy Lasorda rant following a Dodgers game ever. This was the game in which Dave Kingman hit 3 home runs to beat the Dodgers (June 4, 1976); Tommy Lasorda was asked by reporter Paul Olden what he thought of Kingman's performance. The rest is history; my life would be forever changed.

56.
Darryl says that you use knowledge to keep me down. He says that I'm a "Yes" person and you are trying to raise us in a "No" environment.

Why can’t the most diverse, industrialized, 3rd largest country in the world embraced the game of soccer? The purest sport in the world ranks behind gag-fests that are NASCAR and Tennis on the US sports popularity list.

57.
I love you. And I'm about to boldly go where... many men have gone before.

Anyone who talked shit about then signed with either the L.A. Lakers or Boston Celtics in order to get a championship. (Rasheed, Ron…pay attention)

58.
FECK YOU!
HEY!
This is a house of lies!
Well there it is, your sister used the "F" word.
I think she said "feck."
What's the difference?
The letter "u."

WWE: a band of dramatically fixed, juiced up, money & attention hungry athletes pushed by blood sucking ad-men and contract negotiators.

MLB: a band of dramatically fixed, juiced up, money & attention hungry athletes pushed by blood sucking ad-men and contract negotiators.

What’s the difference? The acronyms.


59.
All the kids make fun of him. They call him the Narc behind his back.
What's a narc?
It's a narcotics officer.
Well, what's wrong with THAT?

Every man, woman or child who watches/plays/coaches or is involved in sports in any way, shape or form…..start idolizing Larry Fitzgerald….right now. It will be a really long time until we get another one.

60.
Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.
Well, it was fun.
They make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool.
I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't.
That's because we're uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. They get the girls, but we're smarter.

Me and Kev…..but somehow we managed to get the girls…… :)

Just Announced: Toronto Blue Jay’s trade requests for Roy Halladay.

1. A lock of hair from a leprechaun.
2. Front row seats to a Michael Jackson court hearing.
3. Cheese from the moon.
4. A time machine.
5. The entire Washington National's roster.
6. Three of Kurt Warner’s 52 children.
7. Monetary copyrights to the letter “R” and the number “7”.
8. A lifetime supply of Wonka Bars.
9. The Liberty Bell.
10. A talking Koala bear.

US 2 – Brazil 3

The aftermath of the Confederations Cup final seems to have spawned an overall reaction of ‘They showed they can compete, they can build on this’ to the efforts of the US side. I’m not here to put too much of a damper on that sentiment, but in throwing the Fifth’s hat into the ring of the soccer blogosphere, I’m going to offer a much more tempered point of view.

I, of course, agree that they showed a lot of promise scoring 7 goals over their last three games - including four against 2 of the top five teams in the world – and it’s been a lack of exactly that type of offensive output that has plagued this squad up to this point. Additionally, the combo of DeMerit and Onyewu anchoring the back line seemed a steady, calming force for a defense that had given up more than its share of shaky goals of late. Finally, and I think most importantly, Landon Donovan rose to the occasion on the big stage in a way that he hasn’t since the 1-0 quarterfinal loss against Germany in Ulsan 7 years ago in the 2002 World Cup. If he continues his emergence, the national team has a centerpiece to their attack that has been lacking in recent memory.

That being said, this team is weakest in the most important layer, the midfield. Bradley seems to have found Donovan a permanent position as an attacking outside mid, but his choice to play Dempsey in a similar role on the opposite side is a little vexing, especially as Brazil launched assault after second half assault along the sidelines with Kaka and Robinho. The not-so-defensively-inclined Dempsey and Donovan were exposed in last 45 minutes of Sunday’s game, and it was curious that nothing was done about it. Dempsey scored goals in both the Egypt and Spain games from as a striker, I simply don’t understand why he can’t play there full time. Kaka abused him time and again along the left side and, while Spector held his own admirably against the Brazilian for most of the match, the worn down right back was eventually bested as Kaka’s cross was the crucial play leading to the tying goal.

In fact, I felt that tying goal really underscored what is plaguing this team right now. Taken independently, isolated from the rest of the game, the goal was a result of a blown one-on-one as Kaka beat Spector, followed by poor (is poor strong enough?) marking of not one but three Brazilian attackers at the six yard box, which clearly falls on the shoulders of DeMerit and Onyewu. It seemed to be a complete breakdown of the back line. But, when looking at it from the bigger picture of that entire half, as well as most of the Spain game, a more keen observer would put such a goal on the midfielders. I’ve already said my piece on defensive prowess of the outside midfielders, but I should also point out that DeMerit and Onyewu were out of position largely because they were continually forced to press up and take away the area between the top of the box and about 25 yards out. This space, usually the charge of the center mids was left largely unprotected by Clark and Feilhaber (and by Bradley in the Spain game), who were continually chasing the game of the far more talented Brazilian mid field. I don’t see the squad day in and day out, so I don’t know who Coach Bradley has to work with, but without a stronger presence in the center of the field, our defense will continue to face the type of pressure that they eventually wilted against in the second half on Sunday. I don’t have all of the statistics from the last two games handy, but I do know that Spain had 16 corner kicks to our 3 (16 to 3!!!), to go along with a 29-9 advantage in shots. Similarly, Brazil had 10 corners to our 5, and possessed the ball for 60% of the match, including long stretches in their attacking third. They also outshot the US 31 to 9. The story of possession and sustained offensive pressure begins and ends with the midfielders, and ours need to improve, simple as that.

Again, I agree that there are many positive to be taken from teams performance in the final 3 games of the tournament, but the fact remains that teams who count themselves among the upper echelon do not cede two goal leads in 45 minutes. Call me selfish, but I want to see the US counted among that echelon someday and they have a ways to go before that becomes a reality.

US 2 – Spain 0 (I wrote this last Thursday, but forgot to post it)

Lots of rhetoric about how last Wednesday’s win over Spain was as big for the nation as 1980’s Miracle on Ice. Please. Give me a break. Last I checked, every player on the field was a professional and we aren’t currently locked in a nuclear arms race with the Spanish. Further significance was added to that game by the off ice climate. I’m not saying this recent win by the soccer squad wasn’t huge…it was. But it’s ok for us to acknowledge the importance of a victory without comparing it to what was arguably the biggest upset in sports history and what doubled as an allegory for the triumph of American Capitalistic Individualism over the Soviet Machine. I know in this day and age of 24/7 sports coverage every win has to be the most important ever, every new sports villain is the most evil ever, and every promising prospect is the next greatest thing, but resorting to this type of hyperbole not only diminishes the importance of past events, it undermines whatever point you’re trying to make about the present.

On Wednesday, the US beat the #1 team in the world. Let that soak in for a second and don’t let it be corrupted a jubilant Al Michaels asking about your belief in the divine. It’s an incredible thing in and of itself. Yes, Spain didn’t play their best game. Yes, most soccer fans will tell you that they can’t remember another Confederations Cup champion and that this tournament doesn’t really matter. But the US just beat a squad that hadn’t been beaten in 15 straight games. They did it off of American soil. This was a great win, period. It isn’t the World Cup, and a big win like this won’t ever reach Miracle on Ice proportions until it happens on the biggest stage, but let’s give the boys their due. I only hope they can continue it against Brazil (probably, unless the home team pulls an upset) on Sunday.

And yes, I stand on a soapbox to make myself feel taller.

…

Thought I’d try to comment on each of the US squad that saw significant minutes in the last three games listed by position from goalie to forward.

Tim Howard – Save after save, again and again. Shots came screaming in near and far and Howard stopped nearly all of them. If we’re being honest he’s the only reason the US makes it to the game against Brazil. There aren’t many goalies as athletic as Howard. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that Time Howard is the most athletic goalie in history… that has Tourrette’s.

Carlos Bocanegra – The captain wasn’t in play against Egypt, but was fairly solid in his time against Spain and Brazil. My only real complaint was that he seems a bit on the slow side, though he’s able to make up for this with a high soccer IQ.

Jay DeMerit – I have to admit that I havne’t followed the team enough to know who this guy was, but I like the full arm tat, and I like that he stays home in the middle of the backfield. He got a bit unlucky when Brazil’s first goal slipped between his legs and he screened howard, and he seemed a bit out of position through some of the second half pressure, but I felt he and Onyewu were really left on an island by their midfield.

Jonathan Spector – Another guy who surprised me. He’s really what you’re looking for in an outside back. He has decent size and ok speed, he’s steady marking a runner down the wing with or without the ball and he can contribute offensively as exemplified by smart balls played out of the back and beautiful crosses on assists to Dempsey against Egypt and then Brazil.

Oguchi Onyewu – Gooch is the rock the defense rests on getting to every ball that comes near him. He must have cleared 15 or 20 dangerous crosses out of the box by himself in the last two games. He still seems to be out of position from time to time, but he puts himself out there all game, every game. The man is a force with which to be reckoned.

Benny Feilhaber – I wanted to make sure and list him, since he was a key substitution in the Spain game and started for the red-carded Bradley against Brazil. I thought he had a little bit of good and a little bit of bad. His stints as a late sub on the outside of the midfield against Egypt and Spain had me thinking quite highly of him, but he really seemed out of place in the center against Brazil. Perhaps he’d be best on the outside of the midfield when Bradley reads this column and pushes Dempsey up front full time.

Michael Bradley – His energy and presence was sorely missed in the center of the field on Sunday. I share the sentiment of most that he didn’t deserve a red for his cleats up challenge against Spain, but the referees had been harsh on the US all tournament and he needs to recognize that before doing something to foolish. That being said, Bradley is the quintessential ‘glue guy’. He never leaves an ounce of effort unspent, gets timely goals, and frustrates the opposition’s midfielders.

Ricardo Clark – He always goes fairly unnoticed in these games. His game isn’t flashy, and he’s mostly charged with holding down the center of the field defensively while Bradley runs rampant. There’s something to be said for playing an understated, underappreciated game, but you don’t win many games if the announcers aren’t saying the name of your center midfielder much. Clark rarely seems to join the attack in any significant way, and his tendency to hang back and react won’t work against most attacking midfields.

Clint Dempsey – I don’t know what to say here. He seems to be having a love affair with most American soccer fans, and after his spectacular header against Egypt, it’s hard to argue that he doesn’t belong on the field. And that was before the clincher against Spain and the first strike against Brazil. My beef with Clint has been, and will likely continue to be, his lack of responsibility in the other half of the field. As a midfielder, you are expected to cover the 100 meters. The problem isn’t that he can’t play defense, it’s that he shows far less interest in front of his own goal than he does inside the opponent’s 18. Take the final goal Sunday as evidence, if that corner is coming in giving Clint a chance to head it home for a goal, you’d better believe he’s sacrificing himself to get a piece of it. I love him for that. As it was, however, the play was happening in the wrong half of the field and gave a half hearted effort, watching the ball sail over his head as ZZZ headed it home for the winning tally. I hate him for that. A few moments of brilliance do not excuse 80 minutes of dogging it if you are a midfielder. The man should play striker, his mentality is better suited for it.

Landon Donovan – Donovan was, game to game, the best non-goalie on the field for the US. Like I said above, we can only hope he’s finally put it all together. If he truly has, I like our chances to score on nearly anyone, which means we’ll be in every game. Like Dempsey, however, I’d like to see a bit more effort in the defensive zone.

Conor Casey – It’s never a good sign when you’re friend texts you to ask how Fred Durst managed to make the US national team. I don’t understand why this guy sees any playing time. He doesn’t have top end speed, nor does he possess the ball particularly calmly. And he certainly doesn’t chase down defenders with abandon, despite the fact that he only plays 10 minutes a game max. He’s more like that slow, fat, old guy you put at striker because he’s too much of a liability anywhere else. I’m going to go ahead and give him the LVP trophy for the Confederations Cup.

Charlie Davies – Tough to criticize a kid who plays as hard as Davies. He scored a great hustle goal against Egypt and played a beautiful ball across the top of the box to Donovan on the second goal against Brazil. He still largely lacks touch and, right now, has zero chance of beating anyone off the dribble. He’s incredibly fast, but fast isn’t good enough on it’s own at this level. You need a forward who can either hold the ball up, or can beat guys off the dribble, and Davies can do neither. He does have immense potential, however, and that speed of his suits the counter attacking style that Coach Bradley seems to be relying on.

Jozy Altidore – I think he’s one of the most promising young players for the US. He’s a physical specimen, and he’s only 19. Like Davies, he lacks many of the attributes you look for in a true striker, but he has room yet to mature and develop many of those skills. I think some combination of two of Altidore, Dempsey, and Brian Ching (if healthy), with the third from that group and Davies available off the bench represents our best attacking option.

Bottom of the Fifth presents, Real Men of Genius….(Real Men of Genius!)

Today we salute you, Mr. Donte Lamar Stallworth (drunk driving murderer!) A wide-out who wipes out jail sentences in a single blank check... in times when those who pay your salary would opt to take their foot off the gas to avoid killing a human being… you lay down the lead foot and pop the tab on your ice cold Bud Light. (reckless abandonment!)

Pushing the limits of both your Blood Alcohol Level as well as the odometer on your tricked-out, tank-like Bentley sedan… you take aim by simultaneously obliterating brain cells and whatever road object may stand in your way…especially human beings. Instead of wishing you could go back in time, you hide under the warm & cozy safety blanket that is the NFL contract. (Great Scott, Marty!!)

The Judicial System will ask if you killed a dog or a human being…a thought provoking question that will undoubtedly determine the severity of your sentence. Of course it does. At this point the only math lesson you understand is Dog = 2-1/2 years, Man = 30 days. (thank you, Mr. Vick!)

So crack open another ice cold Bud Light in the back of your limo and boastfully push out your tattooed chest, you negligent drunken motorist…. for you put the “shit” in “shit-head”.

(Mr. Donte Lamar Stallworth, drunk driving shit head, murdering motorist!!!!)

Bill Guerin is sending a message!!!

Since the NHL established the 7 game Stanley Cup Final format 70 years ago (1938-39 season), there have been 14 game 7s. The Red Wings, being one of the original 6, had the opportunity to experience 6 final series that went the distance during the 40s, 50s & 60s. They walked away from those series controlling Lord Stanley’s Cup three times. A grand accomplishment for a team that comprised of 1/6 of the league.

This year’s game 7 would be their 7th…..Dammit, where is Alanis Morrisette when you need her? I have a feeling the return to Joe Louis Arena for game Seven will be less like heaven for Detroit and more like, let’s say…..Se7en.

Expect the following 10 things to take place:

1. Hank Zetterberg to continue molesting Sid the Kid as well as illegally covering up pucks around and on top of Chris Osgood’s back.

2. Pavel Datsyuk to be interviewed during the first intermission about the condition of his injured foot. His response will be without sub titles and thus no one will understand a word that comes out of this mouth. Sort of like the Russian Jackie Chan.

3. After many sleepless nights, a search party will finally locate Marian Hossa. He will celebrate by scoring a goal in the 2nd period.

4. Geno will eat his mother’s Bulsvch soup…..resulting in another multi-point game.

5. Fleury’s new nickname will be Yahweh, after he single handily saves Pittsburgh season while stopping 7 shots during another back to back power play advantage for the Red Wings.

6. 30 Seconds to Mars will perform during the 2nd intermission, Hank Zetterberg will be no where to be found…alluding to the fact that he may actually be Jared Leto.

7. Dan Bylsma will make a facial expression for a split second during the 3rd period.

8. Max Talbot will hand Mike Babcock a cardboard box. As he reluctantly opens it up to discover Kris Draper’s beard, he painfully decides to shoot Talbot. As the credits roll the audience understands that one can lose his soul, even in claiming victory.

9. We will discover that Don Cherry is actually a Transformer....he will morph into a bright orange tumbleweed with purple stripes and roll away. (3rd Don Cherry reference for the blog)

10. After losing his second career finals Game 7 (lost to the NJ Devils in ’02-’03 while coaching the Anaheim Mighty Ducks) Coach Mike Babcock will be forced to write “I will not quack at the principal” 500 times on the chalkboard in the locker-room.

Game 3 Simmons Style Running Diary

5:49:37 PM  Just got home from work (late bus, bad traffic).  Just in time to catch Sid missing a golden opportunity on a turnover during a Pens power play followed by a monster Letang slap shot!  2-2

 

5:51:03 PM  Franzen is getting abused!  He got caught cheating on Tanger’s PP goal, and now he takes a bad penalty.  Pens power play.

 

5:52:05 PM  Bylsma is sporting the dark shirt/light tie combo…love that.

 

5:53:52 PM  End of the 1st.  I guess we’ll get one second of power play to start off the 2nd.  All in all, not a horrible power play, but I would have liked to see a little bit more possession in the offensive zone.

 

5:54:40 PM  I wish I hadn’t missed the first 15 minutes of the period…I still don’t know how Detroit scored their goals or how the Pens got on the board with their first.

 

5:55:33 PM  Seriously, how many people care about the greatest featherweight MMA fight in history?  Actually, on second thought, probably about as many that care about this game.

 

5:56:24 PM  Just figured out that the game’s being broadcast on CBUT (Canadien TV).  This is one of the greatest things about living near the Canadien border.  Their broadcast is superior in so man ways to Versus.  The production is so amatuer, but their studio guys are knowledgeable and don't really hold anything back.  Most importantly, between periods we get Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry , which is about to start.

 

5:57:38 PM  Was anyone else disappointed to find out that “G” was just rebranded Gatorade?

 

5:58:18 PM  Cherry’s showing off his tie after the commercial break.  Red background, covered in classic Disney characters (Pluto, Mickey, etc…)  All held in place by a Canadien Mountie tie clip.  Classic.

 

6:12:30 PM  Wow, just saw a replay of the too many men on the ice situation prior to Letang's goal... was that ever a break.  Thankfully, Eaton got off before the refs noticed. 

 

6:13:59 PM  Beginning of the 2nd.  Cooke just gave Kronwall a nice taste of the glass. Personally, I’d like to Kronwall taken down a few more times.

 

6:15:26 PM  With the Crosby detractors out in force after his pointless efforts in Games 1 and 2, I think it’s safe to say that Detroit coach Mike Babcock is a believer in his greatness.  Crosby has routinely been surrounded by Wings, notably Lidstrom and Zetterberg.

 

6:16:55 PM  What another break!!  Samuelson off the post!  Looked like a bad change by the Pens, but they have to do a better job maintaining possession in the neutral zone, or at least dumping the puck, to prevent that.

 

6:19:15 PM  Pens D seems to be doing a decent job of preventing multiple chances on Fleury.  Something the CBUT crew has been praising Detroit for in previous games. 

 

6:20:42 PM  Just as we Pens fans enjoyed superior backchecking by our forwards in the Eastern Conference playoffs, this Detroit team is really great at team defense.  I mean Sid and Geno are great at playing the entire length of the ice…but, to a man, the Red Wings forwards get back with as much verve as they attack the net.  That’s really been one of the differences in this series.

 

6:22:57 PM  The much maligned Kris Letang is looking pretty good since I’ve been watching.  One goal, one assist and several good plays in both ends. 

 

6:24:20 PM  Bud Light Lime…now available in Canada.  Really?  Hasn't that been around for years?  I guess Canadians prefer to drink bad Canadian beer over bad Mexican beer.  I love watching Canadian commercials.

 

6:26:45 PM  Gill looks slow.  Hossa blew by him a second ago, and another Wing I don’t recognize toasted him going around the goal.

 

6:30:20 PM  Is it appropriate to show a Taking of Pelham 123 trailer on Canadien television?  Do they even know what subways are?  I mean, they only just got Bud Light Lime recently.

 

6:35:13 PM  How does Fleury routinely stop shots he can’t see?  I just don’t understand how this is possible.  CBUT just showed a shooter’s eye view of a slapper from the blue line from earlier in the period.  You can clearly see that Fleury has no view of the puck, but his right skate finds the shot as if by magic.  Incredible

 

6:38:11 PM  Satan got penalized with about 5 minutes left in the 2nd…probably because for being the Lord of Darkness.

 

6:39:59 PM  Oh no, just holding.  Looked pretty innocuous to me, actually, but I’m a huge homer.

 

6:41:16 PM  Floater hits the crossbar.  In games 1 and 2, that’s a Detroit goal.  Maybe the luck is changing a bit?

 

6:42:00 PM  Not to continue the Detroit love fest too blatently here, but how many teams in the NHL can afford to lose one of their best players (like Detroit did with Datsyuk) and still be in total control of a team as good as the Pens?

 

6:43:20 PM  Do we even stand a chance if Detroit has a healthy Dats?

 

6:44:22 PM  I hate to say it, but Detroit’s been dictating the play here since that penalty to Beelzebub.

 

6:45:14 PM  End of the 2nd period.  2-2.  Detroit really took it to us in that period.  We need to re coup here.

 

6:45:53 PM  I’d say Fleury’s kept us in this game so far.  Wonder where all the negative Pens fans are now…

 

6:47:43 PM  I can’t say enough about how different and bizarre Canadien commercials are.  Their Viagra commercials are tremendous.  Subway also seems to have an entirely different ad campaign for Canada (I guess the $5 footlong jingle didn’t jive with the Canucks).

 

6:50:22 PM  Gary Bettman’s being interviewed by Ron Maclean right now in a side by side format.  He keeps looking up and to his left (somewhere above and to the left of the camera) during his answers like he’s looking at poorly placed cue cards.  I guess he never got the memo that eye contact is important for job interviews (oh yeah, he clearly can’t do anything to lose his job).

 

6:56:36 PM  I just listened to Bettman bluster for 5 minutes about the Phoenix Coyotes and why they should stay put.  Setting the nuances of bankruptcy law aside, bottom line…why is it a bad move to move a hockey franchise from Phoenix, Arizona to Southern Ontario?  Someone tell me why it makes more financial sense to keep a hockey team in a desert city that doesn't care about hockey.  

 

6:58:31 PM  I like Maclean.  He doesn’t give anyone an inch when he thinks their full of it.  On Sunday He called out Cherry in their argument about steroid testing in the NHL (Cherry naively believes that there are no PEDs in the NHL, proven by the fact that they’ve only had one guy test positive).  Now he’s taking Bettman to task over this Phoenix thing.  Just a badgering interviewer.  I like it.

 

7:04:25 PM Start of the 3rd Period.  Let’s go Pens!

 

7:04:36 PM Another lost faceoff…shocking.

 

7:05:16 PM  Icing, Detroit.  Here come Sid and Malkin for the face off. 

 

7:05:57 PM  Sid wins the draw and the line immediately gets a couple of solid shots on goal.  This Pittsburgh crowd is deathly silent tonight, like they expect things to go wrong.  Come on folks, we’re in control here, let’s get loud!

 

7:07:12 PM  Couple more chances, including a backhand by Cooke in close.  Osgood is standing strong…unfortunately.

 

7:09:00 PM  The Pens are definitely on the wrong side of the team speed mismatch here, we really miss Hossa.

 

7:10:12 PM  That being said, Letang just dispossessed Hossa…again.

 

7:11:47 PM  Detroit’s backcheck foils the Pens yet again.  Why does it always seem like they are in the right place at the right time for almost every loose puck?

 

7:14:35 PM  I have no desire to see either Year 1 or Transformers…sorry Hollywood.

 

7:17:09 PM  Interference by the Wings.  Nice touch pass by Staal to dump it in, and the young Erricson held up Kunitz as he cruised across the blueline.

 

7:18:39 PM  No real shot or scoring chance yet on the power play.  So much for the poor penalty killing by the Wings.

 

7:19:15 PM  Gonchar with a monster slap shot!!!!!!!!!!!  3-2 Pens baby!!!  So much for my previous post.

 

7:20:42 PM  Crosby gets an assist on the Gonchar goal, so he’s finally off the Schneid.

 

7:21:06 PM  There’s the crowd!  Let’s go Pens!  8 more minutes.

 

7:21:35 PM  Darren Helm is taking a beating.  He was lit up by Orpik just a few minutes ago, and now Cooke tees off on him while he had his head down.  As Don Cherry would say.  What do I tell you kids?  Keep your head up so you can see those hits coming.

 

7:25:24 PM  “And here comes Cooke against Helm again!!”  These Canadien announcers are brutal, you can just hear them calling for blood.

 

7:27:09 PM  Kunitz has to score there.  Has to.  At least get the puck on the net.  Yet another missed assist for the Kid.  Is it too much to ask to get him a competent scoring winger?

 

7:27:55 PM  Talbot off the post!!

 

7:28:03 PM  Talbot stopped by a sprawling Osgood!!

 

7:28:58 PM  Just great energy by the Pens these last couple of minutes.  Amazing what a goal can do to change a game in this sport.

 

7:29:23 PM  Orpik is abusing Hossa!  Not in the sense that’s getting the better of him skill-wise but in the sense that Mike Lange abuses red-headed stepchildren.

 

7:32:13 PM  I really hope all those missed chances don’t come back to haunt us.

 

7:33:01 PM  Does it get any better in sports than an empty net in the last minute of a one goal hockey game?  I say it doesn’t.

 

7:33:51 PM  Empty netter by Talbot!!!! He deserved that.  He was everywhere on his last shift and had two golden chances, including the post.

 

7:34:53 PM  Token save by Fleury with 18 seconds left.  I’m still disappointed in the Pittsburgh crowd.

 

7:35:48 PM  That’s the ballgame.  What were the fans just chanting there?

7:36:09 PM  After getting outshot 14-4 in the 2nd, they outshot Detroit 10-3 in the 3rd and that includes that pansy shot there at the end, so really only two shots on net by the Wings in that period.  Great adjustments by Disco Dan.

 

7:36:53 PM  See everyone on Thursday…WOOOOO!!!!!

 

p.s. I’m pretty sure my neighbors must think I’m a maniac.  I’m loud as hell and vulgar as hell during any Pitt Panthers or Pens games.