Headlines

This week I am ashamed of being a sports fan. This week was supposed to be THE week. The week I study for my live NFL Fantasy Draft. The week I watch Tiger and Padraig again battling on the links, this time for the PGA Championship. The week I get my Pitt Football season tickets.

Meanwhile the NFL season is upon us. The MLB playoff picture is forming as teams are separating themselves in the Pennant races and the NBA & NHL seasons are chomping at the bit to start in only a couple months. Come to think of it, there are 2 great months in sports; October and May. The 5-10 weeks leading up to those months are so great, they make me want to scream, “BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!”
(www.youtube.com/watch?v=W45DRy7M1no)


Alas, instead of this being THE week, I was forced to live through with the joke that is the current state of sports. Allow me to recreate the headlines.



Bottom of the Fifth – Headline News:

• Michael Vick signs with the Eagles.
  > Well ain’t this just the garbage man drowning in his own refuse. This acquisition stinks worse than the hobos on Broad St. You know, they say that animal abusers and child molesters are 2 criminals incapable of rehabilitation. Oops! I think William Penn just jumped off City Hall’s roof.

• Rick Pitino tells police he did not rape the whore, but gave her $3,000 for abortion.
  >What the hell would possess a man who should be on college basketball’s “Mount Rushmore” of coaches, a millionaire with a family and a successful Louisville program, to bang the team’s equipment manager’s wife on the floor of a restaurant? Then after claiming she was with child, but without health insurance, Pitino handed her money to terminate the pregnancy. So am I to assume that the position of Equipment Manager for the University of Louisville Men’s Basketball Team does not come with the benefit of health insurance for you and your wife?
  

• A-Rod and Kate Hudson’s relationship is steaming, but did she get a cold shoulder? PLUS: A-Rod & Jeter girlfriends in the middle of a catfight.
  >Jesus H. Christ I am sick of baseball. Can't we clone Albert Pujols 288 times and give him his own league?
  

• Donte Stallworth gets 1-year suspension without pay.
  >1 year without pay? Aww…That means he won’t have any money to pay off the families of people he kills with his car.
  

• Michael Phelps gets in car wreck.
  >(speaking through a mega-phone) Attention Mr. Phelps, you need to start ‘gellin. You are one gun-toting entourage and one strip club incident away from being the white version of Pac-Man Jones. Get your ass a Prius and change the prescription on your goggles.
  

PS: just checked the mail....no Pitt Football season tickets.