Why female Steelers fans are the worst people on earth

Da Ali G show on HBO produced 12 of the funniest episodes of comedy I’ve seen in my lifetime.  There were numerous reasons to love this show: the absurdity of the character himself, the uncomfortable situations in which he put his interviewees in, the exposing of racism and cultural bias, etc.  For me, nothing is funnier than when someone shows a total and complete lack of self-awareness.  This is true not only on TV, but also in real life.  This is why my father can make me laugh every time I speak to him.  He purposely messes up the names of celebrities and athletes.  Broncos quarterback Tim Tivo. Movie star Leonard DeCrapo. Patriots wide receiver Wes Walker.  My dad is an intelligent person.  I know this.  He can cite movie dialogue from 40 years ago.  It’s funny because we are normally in the room with someone who doesn’t know he’s doing it on purpose.  His apparent lack of self-awareness is the same premise that Sacha Baron Cohen utilized as Ali G and Borat.  This would also explain why I have watched MacGrubor at least 150 times since HBO started replaying it on a daily basis. 

The following is a quote from a Facebook “about me” page.  The girl I took this from is an acquaintance of my wife.  I will attempt to break this down, sentence by sentence, to see if we can solve this mystery.

“A Pittsburgh girl knows just as much about football as her guy friends, in some cases even more. She drinks beer because it tastes good but knows when to drink something else to be classy and sophisticated. She owns a Steelers jersey not just because it's cute, but because she supports her team and understands the game.”

• A Pittsburgh girl knows just as much about football as her guy friends, in some cases even more.
• I wasn’t aware that football knowledge was a competition.  Last I checked, watching football with friends was supposed to be enjoyable, not a Jeopardy! episode.  In a related development, my Facebook profile now reads: A Pittsburgh guy knows just as much about Coach purses and the Kardashian’s as his girl friends, in some cases even more.
• She drinks beer because it tastes good but knows when to drink something else to be classy and sophisticated.
• Beer doesn’t taste good.  So if she’s drinking beer because it tastes good, she’s probably also eats her fettuccini alfredo with coleslaw and french fries on top.  Two points on the second part of this statement.  First, she “knows” when to be classy and sophisticated?   Did Carrie Bradshaw tell her to say that?  Is she saying that you cannot be classy and sophisticated while drinking a beer?  Or that drinking a grey goose and cranberry would automatically categorize you as classy and sophisticated?  Judging by the Facebook pictures this girl has on her profile where she is drinking Capt. Morgan, the Jimmy Buffet concert is only for the social elite of Pittsburgh.
• She owns a Steelers jersey not just because it's cute, but because she supports her team and understands the game.
• “Hey, look at that hottie in the Maurkice Pouncey throwback…she’s really cute.  And it’s clear to me now that she’s obviously knowledgeable in the nuances of the west coast offense.  I wonder if she is concerned about Daniel Sepulveda’s net yards per punt?  I’m gonna invite her over to watch Moneyball tonight.

I have breaking news for the ladies of Steeler Nation.  Guess who hates Steelers fans more than anybody?  That’s right ladies, its Steelers players.  They laugh at you.  They don’t respect you.  They make fun of you.  And when you meet them at Margarita Mama’s and they tell you that you are a “Pittsburgh 10,” they aren’t giving you a compliment.  If anyone would like to discuss the finer points of this column, I’ll be at The Clarks concert sipping champagne and breaking down the mechanics of Big Ben’s seven step drop.